I didn't know I would miss you
by msarahv
Summary: Cas and Sam are fast friends. Dean tolerates Cas but now that he's been to college, he's acting distant. Cas is upset but he might be surprised.


« I disagree with you, Sam. I don't think life only start in college. »

« Why? You tell me you think High school is fun ? I mean, I love learning, but all these teenagers who don't want to be there, who spend their times bullying others... »

« Bullying happens in college too, you know. »

« I know, but still... I won't be looked down for being into academics. It will be a nice change, don't you think. »

Cas nods sadly. Sam is a tall, lanky teenager, a little too pretty for the other guy's taste and they've decided to let him know they're displeased. Castiel is sorry this happens. He stands up to them, when it's possible, when there are enough people around to shame them. Sam, on the other hand, is a pacifist. He had a Gandhi poster on his wall and knows everything about him (he taught Cas the world « fruitarian »). He won't hit back nor answer the taunting. But talking trash is now the favored method of these bullies and Cas can feel Sam is getting worn out.

« You're right, you most certainly won't. Plus your brother will be around, so no one will ever dare disrespect you... »

Sam laughs. No matter how much he bitches about Dean, it's really clear how much he loves him. It's here, in the way his mood has switched, at the mere mention of him, from passionate to light. Cas respects Dean a whole lots every time he sees how he puts Sam at the center of his life. He's coming back the next day, so Castiel will give his best friend some room and find other things to do, so that the brothers can bond a little bit.

Bobby is scurrying around, looking for things to fix, when he spots Castiel leaving :

« Hey, Castiel ! » Bobby's never used Cas' nickname. He's stubborn about pronouncing the name right, « 'cause he knows all the angels, dammit. » even though Cas himself is not very proud of the origin. He is far from angelic, losing his temper easily, judging people harshly, preferring his principles over maintaining peace with those he considers have failed him...

« You're coming for dinner tomorrow night ? » Bobby is a rough man, and Cas respects him too, for his honesty and erudition. And for taking care of Sam, of course. Because Sam is important, the most important person in Castiel's life, right now. Castiel shrugs, unwilling to say he should not be in the way, but Bobby is not fooled. :

« Right, so come by seven, then. Dean'll be pleased to see you. »

Meg Masters takes the seat next to him at the coffee shop. Castiel looks from his book and frowns but he doesn't shoo her away. That is, until she starts talking about Sam and about putting her claws in him :

« Don't you dare, Meg ! »

« Oh, come on, Clarence ! Sam is a big guy, I mean... verrry big », she has a glutton smile on and Castiel gets angry.

« Sam deserves love and faithfulness. You can't offer any of that. Find someone else to play with. »

« Like you ? » She's teasing but there's a real question, somewhere, deep in her black eyes. Castiel goes back to his book. He's not out, but there's no way he's trying this. Women, Meg, nothing. He'll wait until he's in college and meets a nice guy.

He comes home, to the cold house, wondering. Is he a prude ? Should he start looking now ? His absent parents wouldn't mind. He would, though. He needs to meet a person, not just a body. He needs someone who is as amazing as Sam, yet makes him shudder. Like in these books he reads, at night, when no one can judge. Cheesy and unrealistic, they're called, and he would never tell Sam about them, but they give him hope.

At dinner, Dean is laughing, telling stories and listening to Sam with a big smile. He looks better at ease and grown-up, college must suit him. Sometimes, Castiel would give all his family money for the Winchesters to be happy like that all the time.

Sam asks Castiel to stay with them and listen to music. He sits at Dean's feet, not wanting to ask him to move, but Dean does anyway, discreetly, sliding to the other end of the couch. Cas takes the hint and resolves to speak to Sam later and explain he feels a little uncomfortable crowding the brothers. Sam is very kind and treats Cas as family, but he really isn't and it's okay.

Of course Sam insists and looks at Cas like he's being unreasonable. But Cas stands his ground. He would love to be Sam's brother, or his cousin, someone flesh and blood. Yet he knows that the brothers had a harsh childhood and that Bobby had to fight to keep them with him, and it's a wonder they can both attend college whereas Cas could be a life-long student if he pleased.

He goes back to the living-room to say good-bye. Dean is sprawled on the couch, like a big lazy cat, happy to be home. He doesn't look up. Cas is used to it. Dean is always nice to him but slightly distant.

They decide to meet on Dean's last day home and go see a movie. Cas quickly agree, he loves films, and likes quite a large range of genre, but he can't go on his own, it's too hard. With Dean around, Sam may be open to see something else than the over-intellectual ones he always drags Cas to. Castiel never complains, but being friends with Sam means following his tastes. He's sure that if he brought up it up, Sam would frown and explain, in a surprised tone, that these are the only films worth watching and Cas would have to agree. He does like them, but the others can be funny too. Castiel is very serious-minded. Sometimes, he wishes he could open up, discover the whole world and enjoy its varied beauties.

The next days are boring. No school to keep his mind occupied, no otheithr friends to talk to and, as usual, no parents to make him go to bed early or scold him. He had siblings in the past, who would at least share space with him, but now that they're adults, they don't even bother visiting. Maybe Cas is hanging so much at Bobby's because at least he feels there are people who care about him.

He meets the brothers directly in the theater. In fact, they're already seated and Sam is waving at him. Castiel squeezes between the rows, whispering apologies to the other patrons, until he finds the saved seat, right next to Dean. Cas smiles at Sam and sits, mumbling:

"Hello, Dean."

"Mmmph."

Dean doesn't sound annoyed, just engrossed in the screen, even though, it's just the commercial for the popcorn he's currently eating. Sam has brought seeds snacks, like always and he passes the container for Cas to grasp from, over Dean's knees. Castiel would very much like some pop-corn but he doesn't dare ask Dean.

So, he takes his ease and takes advantage of the free armrest. Dean has shrunk on himself, as if Castiel could contaminate him. That makes Cas a little sad. He's out to both brothers as well as Bobby and knows for a fact they're all okay with it. Maybe Dean doesn't like the way he smells?

Among all the movie's fast-paced action, there are a few lengthy romantic scenes. Cas turns his head to check if Sam has fallen asleep. His head is definitely wobbling. Dean's profile on the other hand is stoic, but seems a little flushed. Castiel dismisses it as a trick of the screen's lights and turns away. He could swear he heard a sight, then. He shrugs internally. If Dean can't even bear with Castiel vaguely looking in his direction, then that is his problem.

They're back at Sam's home, all gathered in Dean's old room. Castiel has decided to be brave and is perched on the bed, while Sam is looking at some photos on Dean's phone.

"Hey, Dean, how come there's no girl on any of those?"

Dean blushes and swats Sam's hand away.

"'m not dating anyone."

"Oh, so only hooks-up, then? Frankly, Dean you should grow up. Women are not just here for you to play with."

"You're telling me to grow up, little bro? 'cause you're sooo wise... And for your information, I don't do hooks-up either. I focus on my studies."

"Really?" Cas bites his tongue. He didn't meant to exclaim out loud, especially not with such a surprised tone. Dean is very easy on the eye, always have been and Castiel has heard about his girlfriends from Sam. He tends to be respectful and try for the long run, but the last one, Lisa, cheated on him after six months and after that, Dean was bitter. Cas thought he would be over it, though, that was over a year ago. Apparently, Dean is a big tough guy that hurts easily.

Dean is still staring at Sam, as if Castiel hadn't just talked. It's getting old, now. Cas gets up and walks past the brothers, mumbling about the bathroom. He doesn't head there, though. Instead, he walks outside to breathe some fresh air. He sits on the wooden stairs leading to the courtyard, filled with cars in different states of repair. He pictures Dean, younger and nicer, laughing at something Cas or Sam said while rummaging in an engine. The sun's rays would caress his freckles, put a halo in his hair.

Theres a sound of a door behind him and someone sits next to him. Cas turns to Sam, ready to talk about the movie they just watch. He doesn't want to discuss Dean's attitude, not when Dean is still around.

But it's not Sam.

Dean looks at Castiel for the first time since his arrival. His eyes look grey in the moonlight but there's no mistaking the repressed tears. Cas is lost. So, he waits for Dean to explain, shielding himself with his arms around his waist. Dean gulps.

There's silence, unsettling and oppressive in the blue night.

"I don't..." Dean's voice is soft and gravelly. He pauses, then tries again: "I've missed you."

Castiel is too shocked to answer. Dean has always treated him like Sam's friend, nothing more. He's never seen that emotional look, nor the slight tremble of Dean's hand.

"This is why I don't date. I hadn't realized until I left and you weren't around. I mean, I miss Sam too, of course, but not like that."

Castiel is short-circuiting. The need in Dean's voice, the sensuality in his movements as he scoots closer to Cas, that is a lot to take in. His heart is beating fast and he asks:

"You want to be with me?"

"Yes. If you want to. And... I know I'm older and it's not right, 'cause you're still a teen but... I can wait. Or you can tell me to fuck off. Whatever."

It's still not enough to work on.

"You have feelings for me? Or is it just physical attraction?"

"Cas.." Dean sounds frustrated but Castiel needs to know. He takes Dean's hand in his, marveling at how normal it feels, how their fingers fit together. It seems to help. Dean turns away from him and whispers to the night:

"When I look at you, I never know what you think. It's fascinating. And when you speak, it's always so deep and interesting. And your eyes... I've dreamed about them. I wanted to call you, man. But we've never been friends outside of Sam and I didn't know what to say."

"I thought you didn't like me anymore. It was very distressing."

"Why?"

Cas pauses. It is an important question. Why is he upset about Sam's brother's lack of interest in him when he doesn't mind his own brother's? He looks at Dean again. He can barely see him now, but it doesn't matter. He knows every inch of his face, every nuance of his smile. Yes, Dean is a part of his life, as much as Sam and he has lots to offer him.

So Cas moves his hand, up Dean's arm, to his chin, breathing slowly, awaiting this fateful moment when things will change forever.

"Casss..."

"Dean..."

They are interrupted, of course, by Sam's shriek followed by retreating footsteps. They both go after him, but Dean stops and gestures at Cas to go talk to his friend first. Castiel can still feel Dean's lips on his, remembers the wonderful sensations of his first kiss but he needs to make Sam understand.

It's difficult and requires Bobby to come shout at Sam:

"Castiel doesn't belong to you, Sam. He's family to Dean and I too. And you know Dean won't hurt him, anyway, so stop bitching, you idjit!"

It was a strange night, Cas muses as he wakes up, his head on Dean's shoulder, legs entangled on the couch. They haven't gone farther than kissing, yet, he feels so different.

He looks at Dean, still fast asleep, smiling at his cuteness and wonders how he hasn't see it before. The long-distance is worrying, although Castiel is planning to attend the same college the next year, luckily. And he trusts Dean.

In fact, being apart will help him assert his feelings, sort out the mess that is his heart after these declaration. The only thing he is sure about is that he wants to try. He might lose Sam if things don't work out, but it's worth the risk.

Dean opens his eyes and Cas falls. He never gets up.


End file.
